


The Most Useless Superheroes Ever

by EmmaGhost181



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Action Scenes, Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Gen, Hero Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hero Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Hero Logic | Logan Sanders, Hero Morality | Patton Sanders, Heroes, Jam, My First Time Writing Fanfiction, My First Work in This Fandom, Roommates, Sand Manipulation, Shapeshifting, Villain Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Villain Deceit Sanders, Villains, marbles, um..fingernails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:54:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23094403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmmaGhost181/pseuds/EmmaGhost181
Summary: In this world, there are people with special abilities. Some of them are really cool and awesome and others are...decidedly not. Patton, Virgil, Roman and Logan all have some of the most useless superpowers that have ever been seen. Because of this, they are put into a league  and forced to work together, even though everybody knows that they're never going to make it.That is, until they uncover a plot to take over the city put together by two infamous villains. Can these incompetent losers stop a dastardly plot? Will the city be saved in time? AND WILL THEY EAT NO BAKE COOKIES AND DRINK HOT CHOCOLATE?
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil & Creativity | Roman & Logic | Logan & Morality | Patton, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders & Deceit | Janus Sanders, Platonic LAMP
Comments: 7
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

Roman Sanders stood on the steps of the tall glass building and stared up at it in awe. He was here! He was standing on the steps of the United League of Heroes (Wilton City Branch) Headquarters! 

Today was the day! He was going to be meet his partners and they were going to take on crime together! This city wouldn't know what hit it after he became a hero! Roman looked down at his hand and watched as a small glass sphere formed from his palm. Roman smiled and walked into the building. 

As soon as he entered, Roman accidentally walked into a tall man wearing a black shirt and a dark blue tie. The man stopped and bent down to pick up the folder he had dropped, his glasses nearly sliding off his nose. 

"My apologies." The man said. He couldn't have been much older than Roman. 

"No, no. It was my fault," Roman said, rushing to help gather the papers that had spilled out onto the floor. "So what brings you here?" 

"I am here to be assigned to a league," He said. 

"Really? Me too. Maybe we'll be in the same league." Roman said, handing the papers he gathered to the man. "My name is Roman Sanders, what's yours?" 

"Logan Crofter." The man said, placing the papers back inside the folder. "I am afraid that you wouldn't to be in a league with me. My powers are rather...ineffectual." 

"Don't worry." Roman said. "I have enough power for both of us." 

Together the two of them walked out of the lobby and up the stairs, towards the office of Darla Kratz, their advisor. The office was full of white, modern furniture. Two other people sat in two of the four white chairs in front of Darla's glass topped desk. One of them was a dark haired boy with dark circles under his eyes who sat with his knees up in the chair. The other was a chubby boy with round glasses who was dressed in a light blue collared shirt with a gray cardigan tied around his shoulders. Their expressions were completely opposite. Whereas the dark haired boy kept glancing around, looking at the door where Logan and Roman had just entered, the desk, the plants on the empty bookshelf, the other boy simply stared straight ahead and smiled, albeit a bit nervously. Logan and Roman walked over the remaining two chairs and sat down. 

"Hi there!" The boy in blue said. "It's nice to meet you! I'm Patton Hart! It looks like we're going to be in a league together! I'll be honest, I was kind of nervous that they weren't going to put me in a league because of my power but I'm just thrilled to be placed in a League with you! I'm sure we'll all become great friends." 

They all peeked over at the other boy who turned towards them. "Oh, okay. Um, my name is Virgil Surn. Do I have to tell you my power?" 

"Of course not," Patton said. "Although we are going to find out sometime, given that we're going to be working together and all." 

Before Logan or Roman could speak, the door opened and a woman in a black suit stepped into the office and walked behind her desk, her high heels clicking sharply on the floor. She pulled a folder out and glanced down at it. 

"Well, I'll be honest," she said, looking at the four of them. "I have never encountered four people with more useless abilities in my entire forty years working in this office."


	2. The End of the Beginning of their Journey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The useless heroes learn that they have to train before they can become heroes. But at least there was no paperwork, right?

"What?" Roman was taken aback by this woman's assessment. "What do you mean useless?" 

"I think she means objectively not useful in a combat situation." Logan said. 

“Well, I won’t take it! We’re not useless, right guys?” Roman stood up and waited for the others to do the same. 

Patton blushed, Logan gazed down at the floor and Virgil looked as though he wanted to be somewhere else. 

“Okay, maybe you guys are content to just sit there and take it but I will not stand for this!” Roman turned to Darla and pointed a finger at her. “How dare you! You don’t even know what we can do! You have no idea what we’re capable of!” 

“Calm down, Marble Madness. Wait until these three tell you their powers before you rush to defend them.” Darla said. 

“Well, what can you do?” Roman turned back to his companions. 

Logan pushed up his glasses and coughed. “I have the ability to control jam.” 

“I can move human tongues,” Patton said awkwardly. 

“My fingernails grow at an unusually fast rate.” Virgil continued to stare at the carpet. 

“Wow,” Roman said. “Well, in that case, I demand a reassignment!” 

“No.” Darla said. 

“Why not?” Roman asked. “You can’t lump me in with these losers! My powers are plenty useful!” 

“Show me.” Darla said with surprising forcefulness. 

“What?” Roman asked. 

“Show me,” She repeated. “Show me what you can do.” 

“Well, fine then!” Roman said. He raised his palm into the air and squeezed his eyes shut, then focused as hard he possibly could, tensing up every muscle in his body. A small glass sphere formed out of his palm and dropped onto the carpet. It was a lame trick. 

“That was a lame trick.” Darla said. 

“But you still have to admit that it’s better than being able to control tongues!” 

Darla stared at him for a moment then straightened her back and launched into a clearly prepared speech. “You four are graduates of The Sam Downing Academy for Gifted Children. You are all eighteen years old and therefore ready to enter a line of work as a superhero. You have been paired together because of compatible abilities. I am pleased you have decided to join the United League.” 

Roman muttered something under his breath that sounded like “compatible abilities my butt.” 

Darla cleared her throat and continued. “Because all of you checked the box that you were not currently homeowners, you have been assigned an apartment in the Quigley building at the corner of Cherry and Somerset. You will all live there together as a team. The League will provide you with enough money to cover rent, groceries and any additional expenses you may come across in your work.” 

“When do we get our first mission?” Logan asked. 

“Soon.” Darla said. “I’ll give you all communication bands and you can start patrolling soon. You’ll be patrolling the area from Willamette Street to Crossburg Lane.” She tapped at a tablet on her desk a few times and pulled up a map to show them. The small area was highlighted on the screen. 

“And when do we get to defeat villains?” Roman asked. 

“If you run across a villain, simply press the red button on your wristband and it will alert a more experienced patrol unit of your location.” Darla said. 

“But isn’t being a hero all about fighting villains?” Roman asked. 

“Being a member of the United League is all about protecting the people of this city and making sure that everyone living in it stays safe and happy.” Darla looked at the four of them from across her desk. 

“But we will get to fight villains at some point, right?” Roman asked. 

“Of course. Before anything else though, you’re going to need to be trained up a bit.” 

“I was under the impression that we got enough training at the Academy.” Logan said. 

“The Academy is a training ground for your mind, but it cannot prepare you for real heroic scenarios. You in the blue shirt!” 

“Me?” Patton asked, startled. 

“How do you defeat a villain who has a knife to your throat and is attempting to kill you?” 

“Well, I-I don’t know. Maybe bargaining with him?” 

“Incorrect. You’re dead. Specs!” She said, pointing at Logan. “Tell me how to disarm an opponent who has an energy blaster!” 

“You can simply perform a Davidson X maneuver while one of your teammates distracts the villain.” Logan said matter of factly. 

Roman felt somewhat boostered by his answer. At least ONE of his teammates knew what he was talking about. 

“Very good. You still need training. The League requires that all heroes be properly trained before being sent out into the city.” 

Roman sighed. “Fine. When do we start?” 

“You can start today. Training halls are downstairs and to the left.” SHe went back to looking at something on her tablet. 

And with that, the useless heroes left the office and walked towards the training halls and their first step to becoming a hero.


	3. Training, Getting Lost and Hearing About a Drugstore Robbery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The useless heroes train, get lost and hear about a drugstore robbery.

Roman, Virgil, Patton and Logan walked down the hall towards the training facilities. Roman turned around and faced his teammates just before they entered the gym. 

"Okay, you guys! They say we're useless, but are we?" Roman asked loudly. 

"No!" Patton said. Neither Logan nor Virgil said anything. 

"ARE WE?" He asked again.

"No!" Patton said. "We're gonna beat the bad guys down!" 

"Statistically we most likely won't destroy any villains. We have to alert a more experienced patrol unit, remember?” Logan butted in. 

“Do you always stick to the rules? Don’t you want a little adventure in your life?” Roman asked the man standing in front of him, turning around and lifting his arm into the air dramatically. 

“No.” Logan said. “I’m here to help protect the people of this city.” 

“And you’re going to do that by shooting jam at bad guys?” Roman said mockingly. 

“No, I am going to accomplish this without using my powers, by making use of my physical prowess and my intelligence rather than my abilities.” Logan stated bluntly. 

“Oh yeah, this skinny nerd is TOTALLY going to be able to use his “physical prowess” to beat the bad guys! What are going to do, poke them in the eye with your strangely sharp elbows?” Roman taunted the taller man. 

“Hey, guys, let’s not fight!” Patton said, stepping forward before Logan could retort. “We’re all a team! I mean, we’re all GOING to be a team! So we should start off on the right foot, right?”

By the looks of it, both Roman and Logan were about to insist that they hadn’t been fighting or words to that effect, so Virgil stepped up beside Patton.

“Look, if we’re going to be working together and living together, we should probably at least try to get along.” Virgil said. “For our own sanity, if nothing else.” 

The brewing animosity between Roman and Logan seemed to lessen with Virgil’s remark even though they still shot glares at each other. 

“Okay. Let’s just go into the training hall and learn how to throw some punches!” Roman said enthusiastically. 

“Yeah!” Patton said cheerfully, glad that his teammates had given up arguing, at least for the time being. 

The quartet of useless heroes entered the training hall. 

At first all they could do was stand there, shocked, as movement and activity and most importantly power seemed to permeate the very core of this room. There were superheroes everywhere. One of them, a girl of Japanese descent, was moving her arms wildly, controlling a large jet of water that was aimed at a boy who had transformed himself into a bird and was now flying over her head. In another corner of the room, a boy who was pointing his hand, palm out, towards a man in his thirties, who was doing a handstand. Beams of pure white energy erupted from the boy’s palms. The only reason they weren’t reaching the man was because he had stretched his arms out to be as pliable as taffy and his lower half was currently extended over the boy’s head. Everywhere you looked there were people using extraordinary abilities. 

Needless to say, the heroes standing in front of the door felt hopelessly insecure. Only Roman was seemingly unfazed. 

“Come on, guys!” He proclaimed loudly. “We should start training to become the best heroes we can be!” 

So they started. Roman lifted weights, building up his strength. Logan focused mostly on running on a treadmill, building his endurance which he knew he would need in his hero work. Patton took advantage of the pool located in a corner of the room, sometimes honing his underwater fighting skills, but mostly just splashing around. Virgil just sat on a bench in the corner though he would occasionally join one of the others. 

By the time they were finished, the sun had gone down and the training hall was almost empty. The useless heroes met up and left the hall.

They had been provided with a car for ease of movement between headquarters, missions and their home. They all four piled into the silver Honda Insight. Roman insisted on driving, claiming that he knew exactly where their home was from looking at it on Darla’s map. Virgil was in the passenger seat and Logan and Patton were in the back. Roman backed out of the parking lot and onto the street. All four of them felt tired and sore. 

They had been driving for a while when Logan looked out the window. It was getting darker by the minute and they still weren’t anywhere close to their apartment. 

“Roman, are you sure you know where you’re going?” Logan asked. 

“Of course!” Roman said irritably. 

“I’m pretty sure we passed that building already.” Patton observed. 

“Well, why don't one of you drive since you’re so good at it?” Roman snapped.

“Dude, chill out.” Virgil said. “And also maybe look at a map? You’re not from this city, are you?” 

“I am from the town of Willow Brook, for your information! I came here to pursue my dream of being a hero, and look how that turned out! Now stop criticizing my driving or we’ll never get where we’re going!” 

There was awkward silence for the rest of the drive. They finally reached the apartment and got out of the car. There was a man in a black jacket leaning against the building, holding a Starbucks Frappe cup. 

“Hey. Are you guys heroes?” He asked.

“Yes?” Patton said. 

“Good. Just wanted to tell you that there’s been a bit of a villain problem around here. A guy calling himself the Duke broke into that drugstore last night.” The man said. “Stole a bunch of cash and also a rubber Halloween mask.” 

“A mask?” Logan’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. 

“Yep. Left a note saying it was him and everything. Didn’t use his real name, of course.” The man said. “Keep an eye out, okay?” 

Logan nodded and started to head into the building, the others followed him with Roman coming in last. 

They all walked up three flights of stairs (the elevator wasn’t working) before reaching their apartment. 

“229.” Logan said, then glanced down at the paper he had been given before they left. “This is the place.” He pushed the door open to reveal a normal, if slightly cramped apartment. There were four bedrooms, a small bathroom and a kitchen-living room combo. They were all so exhausted that they immediately picked rooms and walked into them, falling asleep almost as soon as their heads hit the pillows. 

What they didn’t know was that something was out there, stalking the city streets and waiting for an opportunity to strike down an inexperienced team of heroes.


End file.
